


Old Wounds and New Revelations

by thumbtwiddler



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-10-08 09:25:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17383946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thumbtwiddler/pseuds/thumbtwiddler
Summary: Serena and Bernie have never met.Serena believes she is 'dyed in the wool heterosexual', but then ...





	1. Chapter 1

”Happy! Come here boy.” Serena calls out for the old Golden Retriever who runs free and happy, living up to his name, around in the open field leading down to the sea. A place they both love to visit as often as possible to go for long walks and feel the freedom of being away from the busy city. Happy returns by her side, breathing rather heavily, but he is still in a good shape for his 10 years. Serena looks into the kind, big brown eyes and immediately feels the comfort the dog has given her for years now after the tragedy. Spending time out in the countryside was a priority originally suggested by her therapist, one that Serena had no particular faith in at the beginning, but which she now feels she cannot be without. And it is much healthier than drowning her sorrows in Shiraz.. The heavy workload at the hospital, the long hours, the ups and downs of being able to save lives and then sometimes not, the immense responsibility on her shoulders, needed an antithesis. Breathing in fresh country air, the smell of the sea nearby and the possibility to let her guard down, her thoughts and feelings running freely without interruptions, was exactly that. She cannot remember how many tears she has cried out here against the harsh and cold autumn wind, or when the summer sun has warmed her face but not her heart. She takes a deep breath and looks at the spectacular view. There is something about the beauty of nature that both relieves and somehow adds to the sorrow. Serena knows she can never be the same as before but she has somehow learned to live with the pain. 

There is an old cabin at the end of the large field, overlooking the sea. It has seemed empty and abandoned all the while Serena has been out here these last couple of years. She sometimes fantasizes about living there. Spending a whole summer holiday out here in the wilderness. Sitting on the front porch with a glass of Shiraz, listening to the waves and forget all about the world. Just Happy and her, no one else. ‘Who am I trying to kid?’ She then thinks to herself with a sarcastic laugh. She would probably get bored after a couple of hours and long for the social life of the city. 

\---------------- 

 

The alarm on her phone sets off at 6am the next morning. Serena gets up, still half asleep, and heads straight for the coffee machine in her kitchen, and brings a cup of strong and hot coffee into the bathroom to make herself ready for the day.

It is a particularly busy day at the hospital. There has been an accident at a construction site and several people are badly injured. 

“We have to discharge the minorly injured as soon as possible and make room for the severely.” Serena commands her staff firmly as more and more patients arrive. 

“Come on everyone, up to speed!” 

She grabs the medical charts for the ones she is treating and heads towards the first patient: A male in his early 30s with severe damage to the abdomen caused by a metallic object. The patient is bleeding excessively. 

“Okay, we need to operate. Fast! Donna, can you make sure theatre one is ready? Xavier, you’re with me.”

The surgery takes hours. There is a fine line between being able to save somebody so heavily injured and being the one causing more damage, sometimes inevitable. Serena knows this too well. Pearls of sweat on her forehead reveal her dedicated focus and concentration. They manage to save the young man’s life after a couple of tense moments of ‘touch and go’. 

“Good work, dr. Duval.” Serena compliments her co-worker as she gets out of her surgical clothing. 

“Thank you Ms Campbell, but the achievement is really yours. I couldn’t have done this without your expertise.” Xavier replies humbly. 

“Ah, the cocky doctor suddenly being polite and insightful.” Serena laughs and winks at him but she knows he is right. She is an excellent vascular surgeon with great experience. One of the advantages being of a certain age brings. And she is very dedicated to her job, always has been. 

The rest of the day goes by in the same busy manner. Broken bones needing repair, vital organs being saved and excessive bleeding taken care of. All the severe injured patients from the construction site have been treated and they are all assessed to be out of danger. Consider it a successful day, Serena thinks to herself as she prepares to leave her office at the end of the shift. She puts on her coat and opens the door when she hears someone shout from the corridor: 

“Can I get some help here please? Someone page Ms Campbell!” 

“No, not Ms Campbell!” She hears Fletch instantly reply. “Not with this case.”

“What’s going on?” Serena hurries to the bed just brought in and sees a young woman, seemingly unconscious. She quickly recognizes the symptoms; pupils dilated and non-responsive, low pulse, lips and fingers blue. Serious drug overdose. She feels dizzy. Long, brown hair is floating on the pillow. Same age. Her mind tries to make sane and coherent connections and not get mixed up with the strong emotions building up inside her. It is not Elinor. This is not her beloved daughter lying on the bed. It is someone with a striking resemblance.. Someone who needs her help desperately.

“Ms Campbell, we will find another consultant to take care of this.” Fletch’s voice seems to come from a distance. 

“No!” she replies firmly. “I’ll take this.” 

“Are you sure? I mean…” Someone else, she cannot really figure out who because her vision is blurry and the sound of blood rushing through her veins is so loud she has trouble recognizing the voice, is trying to talk her out of it. All she knows this moment is that she has to do all she can to try and save this young woman. 

\----------------


	2. Chapter 2

The evening sun is about to disappear into the horizon as she walks towards the sea at her favourite place to regain strength and sanity. Tears are streaming down her face. Happy seems to notice that her sorrow is particularly present today and keeps close even if he has the possibility to run freely. Her thoughts go back to earlier this day at work. The young woman survived. There will most likely be no serious complications and she will, in time, recover fully. Elinor did not.. The loss of her daughter has created an empty space of loneliness inside her. A space she thinks she is never going to be able to share with anyone. Her romantic affairs never led anywhere after Elinor’s death. There had been a few men, she had been on a few dates, but it was like she never cared enough to be in a relationship with any of them. But she had slowly begun to enjoy life again; hanging out with friends, watching a good film, waking up on a sunny morning realizing she has the entire day off and can do whatever she pleases. And then there are days the sorrow really hits her again, like today. 

Happy suddenly starts to bark and runs down the field. Serena dries her tears and spots a tiny creature running towards him and realizes it is another dog. Where the heck did this dog come from? As friendly and kind as Happy might be, another male dog sometimes makes him go wild and start a fight. She prays for this dog not to be a male.. 

“Dusty!” She hears a woman’s voice cry out before an impressive whistling fills the air.  
“Come here boy, Dustyyyyy.” 

Yep, Serena thinks to herself, of course it had to be a boy. Prepare for a possible fight then, Campbell. The two dogs stumble around each other, smelling one another as the women arrive at the spot. 

“Can you put yours on a leash please?” Serena asks dryly noticing the woman is empty handed. “I don’t want this to end badly.” 

“Yes.. well.. I don’t have a leash with me right now.. But Dusty is usually quite friendly..” the woman replies softly. 

Serena is trying to reach Happy but he is not willing to be fetched and runs around in circles playing with the smaller dog. They seem to get well along though. 

“Looks like no one is getting eaten,” the woman laughs. Or if you can call that strange honking sound laughing Serena thinks to herself and has to laugh too, relieved she doesn’t have to patch up the wounds of two dogs before she can call it a night. She looks at the woman more closely. She is blonde, around her age maybe, tall and fit.  
The woman reaches out her hand:

“Berenice Wolfe,” she says. “But call me Bernie, pleased to meet you and glad everyone survived. Do you live around here?”

“Serena Campbell, nice to meet you too. He he, guess I was slightly overreacting there for a moment, sorry. No I don’t live here but I come out here a lot. I like it here, the nature is so beautiful and there’s something about the fresh air that clears the mind and..” 

Serena suddenly realizes she is still holding the woman’s hand as she babbles on and loosens her grip, a little embarrassed. A strange sensation arises in her stomach. 

“And this is Dusty?” she directs her focus to the small dog of uncertain breed in front of them. 

“Yes I named him after Dusty Springfield.” The woman replies.

“But.. Dusty Springfield was a.. woman?” Serena raises her left eyebrow questionably. 

That honk laugh again. This woman is really something of her own kind, Serena thinks to herself and smiles. 

“Yes but I didn’t care about that and I really liked the song ‘I Got You Babe’ at the time so.” Bernie gesticulates widely with her arms to emphasize this piece of information and Serena does not have the heart to correct her to say that Dusty Springfield really was not the artist for that song. 

“So, what are you doing here?” Serena asks instead. 

“I’m renovating the old cabin down there.” Bernie points towards the cabin by the sea.  
“It’s… mine, or ours, and I want to fix it so it's possible to stay in without the danger of collapsing on top of me in the middle of the night.”

“Ah that’s lovely!” Serena replies enthusiastically. “I love that cabin. The location is wonderful.”

The woman smiles and tilts her head a little. She is beautiful, Serena thinks to herself. 

“Yes, it’s very nice here.” Bernie replies. And continues with a barely noticeable crack in her voice: “I used to come here a lot as a kid. I loved it. It belongs to my side of the family so.., I decided to keep it after... after… Well anyway that is why I’m here.” 

Serena senses there must be a complicated story here but does not feel she can ask about it. She has just met the woman. Although she would not mind staying here all evening talking to her. Something inside her makes her reluctant to leave. It is like this woman’s presence has a calming effect on her. Or is it calming? It is like her body wants to be close to her. Ridiculous she thinks and puts the leash on Happy. 

“So, maybe I see you around another time then?” Serena says as they part. 

“Maybe.” Bernie smiles, turns around and walks towards the cabin, Dusty following her willingly. 

Happy makes a short yapping sound as he watches his new friend disappear.

“Yes, I know Happy, I wish to see them again too.” 

Serena cannot quite figure out why, but the thought of meeting Bernie Wolfe again sends waves of warmth through her entire body and a smile on her face as she drives back to the city.


	3. Chapter 3

The next days pass quickly. Work and other obligations leaving very limited spare time. When Sunday arrives, almost a week after her last visit to the countryside, Serena sings along to an old pop song on the car radio as she heads for her favourite place. Walking down the familiar path on the large open field, clear blue sky and sun above her, and the early promise of spring in the air, she finds herself hoping she might run into Bernie Wolfe again.  
As she approaches the spot where they last met her heart speeds up a bit. She walks by the old cabin. Looks like there is no one there. Quite a lot of work has been done with the cabin. New wood cladding decorates parts of the walls. Serena is tempted to take a closer look and walks around to the back. A ladder is raised against one of the walls and there is a stack of wooden planks beside it. 

“Are you sneaking around on my property or are you looking for another dog fight?” A voice behind her says, followed by a short honk. 

Serena is startled and jumps in surprise, her cheeks instantly reddening. Dusty is shortly gracing her with his presence before he runs off with Happy.

“S-s-sorry to intrude, I was curious.. What a transformation! You.. you have really done a lot of work here in a short time. It looks very nice.” Serena manages to stutter as she takes in the sight of the woman now standing in front of her. Bernie is dressed in old denim overalls with a thick, and rather strange, wool sweater underneath. Her hair is tied up in a tiny ponytail with stray hair everywhere and Serena cannot think of anyone else who could pull off a look like that quite so well. 

“That’s perfectly alright. And thank you, I’ve been dedicating my time exclusively to this lately. Want some coffee?” Bernie gesticulates to the front porch. 

“Yes please, that would be lovely.” Serena follows her onto the porch where a deck chair is folded out. Bernie takes out another and place it in front of Serena. The dogs are still running around playing with each other. Bernie gets two blankets and hands one over to Serena as they settle in the chairs. She pours coffee from a thermos into paper cups.

“Sorry it’s not very glamorous, the coffee machine isn’t up yet.” She says with a wink.

“It’s perfect.” Serena replies and means it full heartedly. She feels the coffee warming her body and the company of Bernie warming her heart and cannot think of any other place she would rather want to be right now. 

They sit in silence for a while, just admiring the view. Serena glances over to Bernie, she is curious about her. 

“So, do you have a full-time job and the privileges of taking time out to be a carpenter?” she asks. 

“Uhm, I used to have a full-time job.. More than full-time actually.” Bernie looks pensively out at the sea. She hesitates for a moment before she continues:

“I used to serve in the army. Was out on the battlefields for quite some time, for years. I’m a trauma surgeon. Or.. was.. I had an accident..” Her voice becomes lower, the sadness in it apparent. 

“It prevented me from being able to perform surgery anymore due to poor manual dexterity as a result of the injuries… Nerve damage in the left forearm, affecting my fingers.” She pauses again. 

“Not ideal for a surgeon.. It has taken me some time to come to terms with it.. Not sure I’ll ever come fully to terms with it but I have to try. I teach part-time at the university now, with various success,” she laughs a little, “and when I’m not there I’m.., well, doing things like this.” She points towards the cabin. 

Serena has been listening with her heart clenching more and more in her breast. Tears are pricking from the corners of her eyes in sympathy. She can only imagine how hard this must be. She meets Bernie’s eyes for a brief moment and has to look away.

“I’m so sorry to hear this, Bernie,” she says quietly. “ Must be so hard. I’m actually a surgeon too. A vascular surgeon, and I know all about the necessity of fine motor skills in this kind of profession..” She pauses for a moment then adds: “And I know how much the job means.”

Their eyes meet again and this time none of them look away. Serena cannot fully comprehend to what extend this must have affected Bernie but the woman’s hazel brown eyes reveal emotions beyond the words. It is as if they speak directly to her soul, reflecting her own sorrow buried there. 

“Thank you”. Bernie says quietly and looks away. 

She tells a bit more from her time in the army. And about the accident which put a stop to it all. 

“I don’t usually talk much about this, not with anyone.” Bernie says after a while.  
“Maybe it’s easier to tell it to a stranger.” 

‘A stranger’ Serena thinks to herself. Somehow Bernie doesn’t feel like a stranger even if they have probably spent less than an hour together all in all, and an odd feeling of disappointment slowly creeps up in her. She doesn’t want Bernie to be a stranger. She wants her to be… What? An acquaintance? A friend? She is not exactly sure but she decides on the idea that a friendship with Bernie would be wonderful. 

They talk for a bit longer. Serena tells about her work at the hospital, trying to keep it on a lighter note by telling funny stories from awkward situations that seem to amuse Bernie. It pleases Serena to see her smile. 

The two dogs are exhausted from their playtime and lie on the porch now, inches apart from each other. The coffee has gotten cold. The air is cool, the sun barely warming, as it is still early days of spring. They get out of the deck chairs and Serena calls for Happy to join her as she prepares to leave. 

“Thank you for the coffee and the lovely company,” she says and takes a small step forward, unsure of whether to give Bernie a hug or not.

“Thank you for listening,” Bernie replies softly. She bends down to gather the thermos and paper cups. Something in her body language makes Serena decide to leave without hugging her. Perhaps Bernie doesn’t like to be hugged by ‘strangers’… 

“See you around, Serena.” Bernie smiles.

“Looking forward to it.” Serena replies returning her smile. 

\----------------------- 

 

She drives out to her favourite place a couple of days later. The evening sun is about an hour away from sinking into to horizon. They walk determined, Happy and her, down the path leading to the sea. And to the cabin. It looks empty. It had seemed empty last time as well so Serena walks around to the back. But this time no one is there.  
Same thing happens next time she is out there. And the next after that. After a month Serena is not sure whether it is bad timing or if Bernie does not come out here anymore. Disappointment has gradually been filling her. She had hoped so much to see Bernie again. She had felt something inside resonating with Bernie on a deeper level, a rare feeling of closeness. She realizes that after their encounters, however brief they had been, she had felt considerably less lonely than she had for years.


	4. Chapter 4

Summer is unusually warm this year. Serena is changing her sweaty scrubs for a new pair before the next surgery. 

“So, you and Paul eh?” Serena has not noticed Donna in the locker room. 

“Hah!” Serena spits out and laughs. “There’s hardly an ‘us’ but we have been on a few dates, yes.” 

“That’s so exciting!” Donna folds her hands on her chest in appreciation and excitement, smiling broadly. 

“You two make such a lovely couple,” she continues, “ I’ll say you go for it!” 

Serena cannot but smile at the enthusiasm from her colleague but she is not sure she has got the same amount herself when it comes to Paul: the brilliant, but slightly arrogant neurosurgeon who started working at the hospital two months ago. At first she had not liked him or his methods very much. They had arguments almost daily and she was convinced he was just another cocky surgeon in need of showing off his brilliance. But after a while she had to admit he was an excellent surgeon, a reliable colleague and also quite charming. She expected him to be like most middle-aged men with authority though, who had a bunch of young, beautiful women working alongside all day. So when he asked her out on a date a couple of weeks ago she had been rather flattered. The evening had been nice. Paul was easy to talk to, interesting and a lot less arrogant than the first impression. They had kissed by the end of the date. Serena was not sure if it was him or the numerous amount of Shiraz that made her dizzy. He seemed eager and interested, although not pushy in any way. She had winked seductively at him when they parted and jokingly said: ‘All good things come to those who wait’. 

Serena was not usually one for turning down pleasure when it came her way. So the next dates with Paul ending the same way with just a goodbye kiss were almost a mystery she could not quite figure out for herself. She found him attractive and interesting enough, but she was somehow still holding back from getting more involved. 

\---------------------- 

 

The next morning Serena wakes up to another hot, sunny summer day and also a blissful day being off work. Paul has invited her out to a fancy new restaurant this evening and Serena finds herself quite excited as she drives out to the countryside for some long awaited time of peace and quiet. It is like she has warmed more and more up to him lately and is really looking forward to seeing him.  
She unhooks the leash on Happy’s collar when they reach the wilderness with no cars, people or other dogs in sight, and he runs off like an arrow. As she approaches the old cabin, which does not look so old anymore with its freshly painted walls, a strange feeling swells up in her. Like a memory of something rare and precious. Her mind has drifted off as she walks and it takes some time before she suddenly notices Happy has got company… The unmistakable silhouette of a small dog jumping eagerly around him is what meets Serena’s eyes as she glares through the sunlight. Dusty! Her heart beats instantly faster. Then her attention is being drawn to the sea. A mop of blonde curls just above the water is heading towards shore. More and more of Bernie are being revealed as she wades into dry land. 

“Hi there!” She waves at Serena. 

Serena feels like she is frozen to the ground watching the woman approaching closer. Bernie is wearing a dark blue bikini, in sharp contrast to her pale body. Drops of water decorate her entire skin like pearls and when she shakes her head a cascade of water surrounds her like tiny diamonds reflected by the rays of sunlight. She moves in a combination of natural elegance and a slightly awkward self-consciousness. Her legs seem to go on forever and Serena cannot quite comprehend how a woman her own age can have a body like that… She notices a scar on her chest and another one on the abdomen, imagining why and what Bernie might have gone through. 

Bernie reaches for a towel on the ground, wraps it tightly around her body as to cover up, smiling shyly. 

“Be glad I wasn’t skinny dipping today,” she honks, “I actually do that sometimes because there is hardly anyone out here most days. Well except from you on a rare occasion.” 

Serena is not exactly sure what to think about that information. Seeing Bernie naked would be… She does not dare to finish the sentence in her head. Not when Bernie tilts her head and looks at her with that grin on her face. Serena’s stomach makes a flip. 

“Oh, I’ve got a coffee machine now! You know those small ones with capsules.” Bernie says proudly. “Care for a cup?” 

The heat is overwhelming but Serena feels like she would not turn down the offer of a hot cup of coffee for anything else in the world. Not when it meant spending time with Bernie. 

They sit on the porch again, sipping coffee out of actual mugs this time. A big umbrella keeps the burning sun from melting them completely. Bernie has changed into a white shirt and brown shorts, and Serena tries not to stare at her too much. 

“So, what have you been up to lately? Haven’t seen you around here for a long time” she asks. 

“Yeah, I know. Have come out here now and then but not as often as I’d like.” Bernie replies.  
“I’ve been quite busy. With stuff… I got a new job. In addition to teaching at the university I was offered a position at St. Thomas’ Hospital as a specialist and supervisor under advanced or difficult surgical procedures.”

“Oh, that sounds great Bernie! I’m very happy for you.” 

“Thank you. It’s a great place to work, nice people.” Bernie looks out at the sea for a moment.

“And I also got divorced this spring and moved from a big house to a tiny flat so as you can understand I’ve kept myself busy.” 

“Oh, that’s… not so great?” Serena looks at her with a raised eyebrow. 

“It was inevitable I guess. I’ve been away so much over the years. I stayed mostly for the kids, although I hardly saw them either.” Her voice makes a little crack. 

“After the accident I tried to make a go of it, I felt I had to make a go of it, but I guess it was too late. The marriage was over a long time ago really.” Bernie looks down at the mug in her hands. 

“I think my kids have never forgiven me for being away so much when they grew up… Do you have kids Serena?” 

The question hits like a hammer to the stomach. Serena shifts uneasily in the chair, clears her throat, knows she has to say the words out loud. Sometimes when she has been asked this she has simply answered ‘yes’ because it is true… She has a daughter that will never leave her heart and her memory. 

“I…” tears fill up her eyes. “I had a daughter.” She pauses and draws her breath. “She… she died...” 

She can feel Bernie’s warm eyes on her without looking. 

“Oh Serena, I’m so very sorry to hear that.” Bernie’s voice is filled with concern and care. She takes Serena’s hand and holds it in hers. 

“Thank you, it’s still so hard to say it out loud, even after so many years.” 

Serena tells Bernie about Elinor. About the quarrels and about the joy. She tells Bernie about Elinor as a child. And about Elinor growing up. She tells about her own divorce making Elinor move back and forth between the parents, mostly related to where she received the most benefits. She tells about the scholarship Elinor received for her journalism studies. And what happened when she took the drug overdose and died a few days later. Tears have been streaming down Serena’s face as she talks. The pain and the sorrow are overwhelming but she is also filled with a feeling of freedom. It has been such a relief talking about this without restraining herself after all those years. Bernie is holding her hand the whole time. 

Their eyes meet and Serena feels a sudden desire to stay out here forever. It is like she can talk to Bernie about anything. It feels safe and it feels right. They sit in silence for a while.  
Serena suddenly realises she has completely lost track of time and looks down at her watch. 

“Oh my God, it’s nearly 6, I’m supposed to be picked up for a date at 7.30!” 

“Oh, you better hurry home then” Bernie replies, smiling softly. 

They get up and Bernie follows Serena down the stairs. 

“Thank you so much for listening.” Serena says quietly, looking into Bernie’s eyes.

“You’re welcome.” Bernie hesitates for a moment, looks like she wants to say more but pulls her in for a hug instead, holding her tight for a brief moment. 

“Good luck with your date! He’s a lucky guy.” 

 

Serena walks as fast as she can to the car, not sure if it is because she is short of time or because the sensation of Bernie’s body against hers burns more than the hot sun. The smell of Bernie’s hair, salty from the sea, lingers in her nostrils. The image of her in the bikini… 

\------------------ 

 

“Earth to Serena?” Paul looks intently at her and puts his hand over hers at the table. Serena realises her mind has been rather absent for most of the evening. She had really been looking forward to this romantic candlelight dinner with Paul. Had considered the aspects of a future relationship. But… 

“Sorry Paul, I… I’m having a lovely evening. You’re a wonderful man, it’s just…” She is not entirely sure how to complete the sentence.

“There is someone else?” 

Serena lets the question sink in properly. Lets it fill her entire system, her heart, even though she knows the answer clearly. Has already recognized the symptoms of being romantically attracted. Of being in love... 

“Yes” she replies. “Yes there is.”


	5. Chapter 5

‘Serena Campbell, lesbian.’

Serena looks at herself in the bathroom mirror. Is that what she is now? In the rather harsh light of the morning sun peeking in from the small window things seem a bit different. She was so confident about her feelings last night. Has been for some time now, although not truly admitting them to herself. This is all new to her. Where to go from here? And how come she has not realised she was attracted to women before the rather late age of 52? Did it mean she was attracted to other women as well or was it only… Bernie? Just saying the name in her mind sends pleasant shivers down her spine. ‘Oh I’m so deep into this,’ she thinks, feeling a combination of excitement and distress as she walks out of the bathroom.

\------------- 

 

Work is busy as usual and keeps her occupied most of the time but Serena finds herself daydreaming at any free moment. She is standing by the nurses’ station waiting for a patient’s blood results. Images are floating around in her mind. Of a blonde woman walking slowly towards shore looking absolutely stunning. Or sitting in a deckchair on the porch gesticulating adorably with her hands as she talks. Or the woman putting her arms around Serena holding her tight, with soft curls caressing her cheek… 

“Ms Campbell may I have a word, please?” 

Serena startles and the medical files she carries almost drop out of her hands. She has not noticed Hanssen’s ghostlike appearance by her side. 

“I’m sorry Mr Hanssen, I didn’t see you coming.” 

“Right.” He looks searchingly at her for a moment and continues: “I was wondering if you would like to represent the hospital at the medical conference coming up later this month?” 

Serena is familiar with the concept of these kinds of conferences. They can be quite tedious with lots of endless speeches and meaningless chitchat at the social gatherings at night, but the food and drinks are usually great. She nods in confirmation. A few days away from the hospital, at a fancy hotel, sounds just fine. 

“Good. And by the way, Paul is also attending.” Hanssen twists his lips in something resembling a smile as he walks away. 

‘Great’ Serena thinks sarcastically to herself. Spending 3 days in a hotel with the colleague she recently turned down romantically was not exactly what she signed up for. But then again, they were adults and, as far as she knew, there were no hard feelings between them. 

\------------------- 

 

It is a beautiful evening. Serena feels eager and excited as she heads for the countryside. And a bit nervous. But wild horses can not keep her away from coming out here. The weather is still very warm but a mild breeze makes it comfortable to walk by the sea. Serena’s heart speeds up as she approaches the cabin. She spots Bernie outside in the small garden engaging in what looks like wood chopping. The blonde woman is leaned slightly forward, her strong body makes the activity look easy. The muscles in her upper arms tightening as she lifts the axe and she has a determined look on her face. Serena stops for a moment to take in the sight. She has been thinking about Bernie the whole week. Or, to be completely honest, ever since the first day they met… Thinking about the handshake that sent electrical impulses down her spine. Dwelled on the feeling of an immediate and rare connection between them. Of the joy and comfort being around Bernie. So unexpected and so delightful. And she has also had some rather vivid imaginations… 

Happy makes a short bark announcing his presence and runs over to Bernie. She stretches her long limbs and arches her back as she gets up after patting him. Serena tries to calm down her racing heartbeat as Bernie walks towards her. She is wearing blue shorts and a grey tank top soaked with sweat after working in this heat. She looks absolutely wonderful and Serena has to force herself not to stare too much. 

“Hi.” Bernie greets with a quick smile, pulling golden locks of hair away from her eyes. 

“Hello there. Preparing for winter?” Serena tries to make her voice as steady as possible and points towards the pile of wood. 

“Ah yes, I reckon this heat won’t last forever…” Bernie replies, the tone in her voice rather light, but something in her body language tells Serena she is not as joyous as she sounds. There is a stiffness in her movement, a reservation, as if she is feeling uncomfortable.

“So, how’s work going? I mean your other work, not this self-sufficiency project?” Serena continues, in hope she is wrong about her observations. 

“Good. Great.” Bernie looks away for a moment, then back at Serena. Her eyes have an expression Serena cannot quite figure out. Like she wants to say something but chooses not to. 

Happy has been running around the cabin several times and settles on the ground beside them with a disappointed look on his face. 

“No Dusty today?” Serena asks.

“No, he’s with my ex-husband.” 

No further explanation. Bernie seems distant, as if she does not wish to be here alongside Serena. As if she cannot wait to get back to the work of chopping wood. Their conversation is strained. There is no offer of coffee this time. Bernie looks away a lot, fidgeting with her hands. 

The awkward silence makes Serena more and more insecure. What is wrong? Why this sudden change in Bernie? The chemistry and closeness she had felt so strongly the other times are gone. Then it suddenly hits her that Bernie must have caught up on her eagerness the last time, somehow sensed her emotions, which is what makes her so uncomfortable. A cold shiver runs down Serena’s spine. Perhaps she leaned into the hug too much, dwelled her gaze too intensely on Bernie, shown her affection too openly. Clearly Bernie does not feel the same way. At all. What was she even thinking? Most women are not into other women! Serena feels deeply ashamed and prepares for an excuse to leave. 

“How was your date?” Bernie’s hazel brown eyes meet hers again for a brief moment. 

“S-sorry what?” Serena stutters. “Ah yes the date. It was… okay. Fine. Great. It was great!” Serena hopes she sounds convincing. “He’s a wonderful man, things are going very well,” she adds in hope of making all this a little less uncomfortable and awkward. It is not successful. 

“Good. I’m happy for you.” Bernie replies, her voice flat, and looks away again. 

“Uhm thank you… Well then, I’d better head home.” Tears are burning in the corners of Serena’s eyes as she turns to leave.

She lets them flow freely on the way back to the car. Her heart aches. She feels empty inside. Devastated. Lost. How can something so wonderful, precious and right suddenly feel so wrong? She decides to do whatever it takes to get over Bernie, to forget all about her.


	6. Chapter 6

Serena loses herself in work at the hospital. She has always been dedicated, thorough and keen on doing her very best but she is driven by a new energy these days. Not necessarily in a positive way. She snaps easily at her colleagues, and even the patients at times, is often impatient and sometimes rude. She can sense some of the staff has been avoiding her lately.

“Oh for crying out loud, how long can it possibly take to schedule time for an x-ray?” She yells at the nurse standing beside her by a patient’s bed. The nurse and the patient both look frightened. Serena huffs and walks away in frustration. She is so angry all the time. At herself. For allowing herself to feel for Bernie the way she did. Still does. She feels sad and depressed. She misses Bernie. Misses the connection she felt so strongly, even for such a short amount of time. Perhaps they could have stayed friends? She knows they probably could not. Bernie was clearly not interested in having anything more to do with her, she was not feeling any of the things Serena had fooled herself believing. There is absolutely nothing special between them. Serena has not been out to her favourite place after that evening when it all became so awkward and she will not go out there again. She knows she should probably find new places to go for walks in the countryside, to get the much needed fresh air and the calmness of nature, but she has not bothered. 

\---------------- 

 

The conference at the end of the month comes as a pleasant interruption from the daily work routines. Serena arrives early at the hotel to register and get her room. She unpacks quickly and heads down to the conference hall for the opening. Paul is waiting for her by the front desk and hands her the programme for the conference, pointing out his own contribution on the third page for his speech tomorrow. 

“Nice pic huh?” He grins. 

“Indeed,” Serena nods and smiles. He is a handsome man, no doubt. The old Serena would have flirted endlessly, even after their dating history. But things are different now… 

They get coffee and find their seats. The large room quickly fills up with people. Serena takes a closer look at the programme and her heart stops on page two. The picture and the accompanying text hitting straight to her stomach; ‘Berenice Wolfe, trauma specialist, St. Thomas’ Hospital.’ Her speech will be later this afternoon. Serena feels a sudden need to leave the room, leave the hotel and the entire conference. She has trouble breathing, her chest tightening from the pressure building up, and starts to nervously search the room. Bernie is here. 

“You alright?” Paul asks, looking at her a bit concerned.  
“Yes, it’s just… so bloody hot in here,” she manages to reply and fans herself with the programme.

“I understand. I usually have that effect on women.” Paul grins. 

Serena laughs, grateful for the banter to take the edge of her anxiety. She has actually not considered the possibility of Bernie being here. Has worked so hard to forget about her that it never even occurred to her. But of course, Bernie’s expertise is unique and will be a great contribution to the conference. 

Serena acts like a haunted animal in the coffee breaks, has an eye in all directions. She needs to be in control, cannot accidentally bump into Bernie without preparation. Her heart jumps every time a blonde woman with similar haircut is nearby. By lunchtime she is a nervous wreck. At one point she spots her. Bernie. Standing in a crowd of people, seemingly engaging in the conversation. Serena flees the scene immediately and seeks refuge in the ladies’ room.  
‘Pull yourself together Campbell, what are you twelve? This is completely ridiculous!’ She tells herself but it doesn’t help much. 

And it is bound to happen. There is only so much you can do to avoid bumping into someone you know being in the same room. 

“Major Wolfe! How lovely to meet you again.” Serena startles, her heart about to stop as she hears Paul’s voice by her side uttering these words. She turns around and meets with Bernie’s hazel brown eyes.

“Bernie, this is my delightful colleague Serena Campbell,” Paul introduces.

“We have met before. Hello Serena.” Bernie says softly, looking straight into her soul.

“Y-yes hi Bernie.” 

There is no way she could have prepared herself for this. For the emotions overwhelming her when Bernie is in front of her again. So many weeks of trying to forget about her and here she is. 

“How do you two know each other?” Serena asks when she has managed to still her frantically beating heart a little. 

“I had the privilege of working with Ms Wolfe a long time ago,” Paul answers. “She is a living legend this woman, with an exceptional skill and talent for complicated surgery. I’m glad to see you back in the game after the accident Bernie.”

Bernie looks down at the floor for a brief moment. Serena notices a sadness sweeping swiftly over her face. 

“Thank you,” she replies, smiling softly. 

Serena is desperate to play it cool. She tells silly jokes and laughs a little too loud because Bernie’s eyes are on her the whole time. When the break is almost over Serena puts a hand on Paul’s arm, stroking it a bit intimately and says:

“I’ll get coffee before the next speech, if you both excuse me.” She leaves without looking at Bernie. Cannot look at Bernie.

The next speaker is Bernie. She walks determined up to the podium, seemingly confident in her posture but her mouth is slightly trembling and her eyes flickering. She looks striking in tight black trousers and a white shirt, and this time Serena cannot take her eyes off her from the safe spot in the audience. 

“G-good afternoon, my name is Berenice Wolfe, former army medic and trauma surgeon and,” she pauses to draw her breath, “currently working as a uhm… trauma specialist at St. Thomas’ Hospital”. 

Bernie stutters a bit in the beginning, obviously not comfortable standing in front of the large audience, but after a short while she is fully dedicated to the topic of her speech and a natural confidence surrounds her. She gesticulates eagerly with her hands while she talks, looking so radiant and so beautiful Serena’s heart flutters. 

\------------ 

 

Bernie does not show up at the social gathering that evening. Serena is not sure whether she is relieved or disappointed. Paul is flirting with everyone and Serena is engaging in more or less interesting conversations with doctors from different hospitals but her mind is miles away for the most part. She should be able to relax but she is not. At all. 

She bumps into Bernie early next morning in the hotel lobby before the conference starts. Bernie’s hair is slightly wet from showering and looks beautifully messy, like she has not done much effort in an attempt to tame it. 

“Great speech yesterday! Very interesting.” Serena feels safe as long as the topic is professional.

“Thank you, much appreciated.” Bernie replies softly.

They get coffee and sit down in the lobby, talking a bit more about the topics of Bernie’s speech.

“Haven’t seen you out in the wilderness lately.” Bernie then suddenly says, her eyes flickering a little before they settle on Serena’s. 

“No, I… I’ve been very busy. With work and… Well mostly work.” Serena swallows. She can usually act confident with ease when she is feeling insecure, but with Bernie it seems impossible. 

“Dating?” 

“What? No! Well yes, some…I have been dating a bit. A man. I mean the same man.” Serena feels the conversation is taking an unwanted direction. She is not comfortable with telling lies like this but the truth is worse: That she has been crying in bed at night longing for the blonde who is sitting beside her? Nope! 

“Good, that’s great. Glad to hear someone is having an exciting love-life.” Bernie replies half smiling. The awkwardness between them is still there but at least Bernie does not seem to mind talking to her. 

\--------- 

 

The evening dinner requires a change of outfit and Serena decides on a black dress which hugs her curves in all the right places. She wonders if Bernie is going to be there or if she shies away from this social event too. She does not have to wait long for the answer when the first thing she sees is a halo of blonde curls as she enters the hotel bar. Bernie is in a black suit and high heels and has never looked more stunning. Except for in the bikini perhaps. ‘Oh for Christ’s sake, stop thinking about that!’ Serena heads desperately in Paul’s direction and puts her arm under his for an anchor to hold on to. He looks at her a bit surprised but then notices the dress and smirks in appreciation. Serena ignores his predatory look. It feels safe to focus her attention on him for a while.

“She’s a good-looking woman that army medic.” Paul says, nodding in Bernie’s direction. 

“Uh what? Ah yes, I suppose she is. Haven’t given it much thought.” Serena answers, feeling her cheeks slightly reddening. 

“I heard Ms Wolfe got divorced because she was having an affair in the army.” Paul whispers confidently in Serena’s ear. “With a woman!” he adds with emphasis on the last word. 

Serena feels the world spin around for a moment and tries to make sense of what she has just heard. She excuses herself and walks towards the ladies’ room only to bump into Bernie by the door. 

“It’s Paul right? He’s your date.” Bernie is grinning triumphantly, like she has just figured out the answer to a complex question. Her cheeks pink from the wine and her beautiful, brown eyes sparkling. 

“S-sorry what? No… not exactly…” Serena can feel the warmth coming from Bernie’s body being so close to hers and it makes her dizzy. 

“No? Well, whoever it is he’s a lucky man.” Bernie replies, lowering her voice and leans forward a little; “You are very beautiful Serena.”


	7. Chapter 7

Time ceases to exist. The voices of the people around them talking are no longer audible. The only sound Serena is able to hear is blood rushing in her ears. Their eyes are locked on each other and Serena feels the hot breath of Bernie’s mouth on her face because she is standing so close. Their arms touch by accident, or maybe not, and Serena has never in her entire life felt a stronger desire to kiss another person than in this very moment. 

“Sorry!” Bernie suddenly retracts, as if burned. 

“I’m sorry,” she repeats and her eyes have the look of a deer in headlights. 

Serena is not capable of uttering a word as she watches Bernie walk away. Her pulse pumping hard and the feeling of Bernie’s warmth still imprinted on her body. 

The dinner is a never-ending affair of small talk mixed with professional aspects in which Serena usually is brilliant and enjoys quite a lot. But tonight she has trouble focusing on the subjects of debate. The fact that Bernie is seated in the same room makes her so distracted she hopes the words coming out of her mouth are fairly coherent. By the look of Paul they might not be… 

“Oh for God’s sake, go and talk to her!” He says when dinner is over and they are mingling again. 

“W-what…. How…?” 

“You think men are not able to read subtle messages? Well we probably aren’t but this isn’t very subtle Serena, this is written all over you. You have been staring at Bernie Wolfe for the last couple of hours and honestly I don’t blame you. Also it’s great to know my competition wasn’t another man. Makes more sense now” he grins and winks at her. 

The cat has been let out of the bag. Serena is not sure whether she is comfortable with this or not. 

“I… don’t know what to say to her…” She decides to confide in Paul. 

Some well-intended, but not necessarily useful, advices later Serena decides to do exactly that; talk to Bernie. Because this aching need to be close to her is so strong and the recognition that if she does not use this opportunity she will regret it for the rest of her life makes her feel it is the right thing to do. A new, sudden confidence spurs her on. She is determined to find Bernie. If she is anywhere to be found… Serena searches around the large venue but this time it seems like it is Bernie’s turn to avoid her. She walks outside, looks in all directions, and just as she is about to give up she spots some barely noticeable clouds of smoke coming from a cigarette located in the hotel garden. As she is approaching closer blonde curls show between the leaves of a few bushes covering where Bernie is sitting on a bench. 

“Bernie…?” Serena says quietly, but from Bernie’s reaction she could just as much have shouted her name out loud. Bernie practically jumps on the bench and almost loses her cigarette. 

“S-S-Serena what are you doing out here?” she stutters. 

“I have looked for you everywhere. I need to talk to you Bernie.” 

Serena feels some of her newfound confidence disappear but she is not going to let that stop her. The summer night is slightly chilly and she shivers a bit in her thin dress. She notices Bernie’s eyes swiping over her with a look in them that does strange things to Serena’s stomach. The dim lighting from the lanterns in the garden illuminates Bernie in a glorious way. Her golden hair and pale skin in sharp contrast to the dark suit make her look almost ethereal. 

“Bernie, I haven’t been entirely honest with you, I…” 

Bernie’s beautiful, brown eyes express surprise, insecurity and, Serena wonders, hope? She also notices Bernie is shivering ever so slightly in the chill evening breeze. 

“Want to go inside for a drink and talk there?” Serena suggests.

Bernie nods and follows her. They walk side by side. Close but not touching, yet Serena feels she is set on fire. Bernie’s presence burns on her skin, in her chest, sends hot stabs of pleasure to her core. She has never been more certain in her entire life of what she wants, what she needs…

They find a small table in a corner of the hotel bar. The majority of people are in the larger room located next to bar where a band is playing. The nearly empty bar provides just enough privacy for the kind of conversation they are about to have. 

“So… eh…” Serena clears her throat. “You know I told you I have been dating? You were right, I did date Paul a few times, before… well a while back, but we don’t date anymore.” 

Bernie’s face is unreadable but the white knuckles on her hands holding the whiskey glass show she is tense, uncomfortable perhaps. Serena swallows and continues.

“And I thought I liked him but I… I couldn’t stop thinking about you…” 

She looks down at the table, does not dare to meet Bernie’s gaze right now. She can hear Bernie shifting in her chair. 

“And I felt something special with you, something rare and precious and…” Serena pauses to catch her breath. Her heart pounding so hard in her chest it is almost painful. This is happening now, she is confessing everything. 

“I thought you noticed. Noticed my… interest the last time I visited the countryside. But I reckoned you did not feel the same because you became so distant and I felt stupid and ashamed and…” Her voice starts hitching and she pauses again.  
“But then, tonight you, or we… Something happened, didn’t it? Please tell me I wasn’t just imagining things?”

Bernie remains silent. She even appears to have stopped breathing. Her fingertips barely moving on the glass she is holding seem to be the only indication she is still present beyond the obvious physical presence. 

“This is difficult for me” Serena continues. She has started this, she has to finish. “I have never been more than friends with a woman before and you... scare the life out of me…  
But… I can’t just ignore it. I have tried for weeks, well months really. Not to feel this. But you are amazing and beautiful and… It felt so right to be around you but then you shut me out and I thought I made you uncomfortable because I was a woman. Then I heard tonight that you had been having a relationship with a woman in the army and I thought… I thought maybe… maybe…” she rambles and hopes some of it makes sense. 

She looks at Bernie for the first time since she started this monologue. Bernie’s eyes are big and the pupils wide, giving her a frightened expression. Her lips pressed together so hard the mouth is only a thin line and she still looks like she is not going to say anything sometime soon. Serena feels tears pricking in the corners of her eyes. 

“Oh God, never mind! I’ve made you uncomfortable again. I’m sorry.” She suddenly cannot take it anymore, rushes up from her chair and walks hastily out of the bar. Her cheeks burning and tears start streaming down her face as she heads towards the lift. She does not look back and misses Bernie's attempt to reach her before the doors are closing.


	8. Chapter 8

Serena sinks down to the floor the moment she enters her hotel room. Crying uncontrollably now, her entire body shaking. It is like everything she has been carrying inside for a very long time wells up in her at once. She is not sure how long she sits like that, collapsed on the floor, but finally gathers herself to get up, changes the dress for a nightgown and washes off her make-up. Whatever is left of it. She is about to crawl into bed when there is a knock on the door. Barely audible at first, then there is another, a bit harder. Serena freezes. What? Who..? She grabs a cardigan to put over the nightgown and walks reluctantly towards the door. Her first impulse is to slam the door in the face of whoever is standing outside. She wants to be alone. She needs to get herself together before being able to face the world again. It is like Bernie has sensed this because she holds out both her hands as to stop the door from closing right in front of her. 

“S-Serena, I… please hear me out.” 

Serena is full of mixed emotions at the sight of Bernie. She feels weak and vulnerable. In a way Bernie is the last person she wants to be around right now and yet the only person she needs to be there. She notices Bernie’s gaze swiping swiftly over her half naked body and is about to pull the cardigan tighter in the front, but Bernie’s eyes burn with an intensity that makes Serena leave it the way it is. 

“Can I come in, please?” Bernie asks tentatively, her voice low. 

Serena nods barely, steps aside and lets Bernie walk past her in the narrow space by the door. She can smell Bernie’s shampoo and the familiar butterflies in her stomach whenever Bernie is close return.

“I’m very sorry it took me so long to come after you, I…” Bernie looks up at the ceiling then down to the floor, everywhere but at Serena.

“I had to get your room number and the lady at the front desk wouldn’t give it to me so… I went to search for your colleague Paul… He was not so easy to find at first but I finally did and… well here I am…” She is fidgeting with her hands, looking slightly uncomfortable, but continues with more determination in her voice:

“First of all I want to say that you are one of the bravest persons I know Serena. I, on the other hand, behaved like a coward and I’m sorry… You’re right, something happened tonight... Something happened a long time ago too, on the first day we met to be more specific. I… I liked you back then and I like you now. I mean… more than like you…” She looks at Serena for a brief moment before her eyes disappear in the fringe again.  
“I appreciated your company so much, I wished you come out to the countryside more often, but I was scared. I am scared… You see…I always mess up relationships with the people I care about and I thought it best to stay away from you. Because you deserve someone good Serena, someone who can make you happy, after all you’ve been through. And I guess I also guarded myself because… how could anyone as beautiful and brilliant as you be interested in someone like me…” She pauses and swallows audibly. “Also I assumed you preferred men… I wanted to be your friend Serena but I wasn’t sure I was able to be… just that…” 

Serena has been holding her breath the entire time while Bernie was speaking, her heart beating faster and faster, pulse rising. 

“And then tonight, when you told me you… liked me I… don’t know… guess I just blanked out. I’m not so good with words. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you Serena. I’m so sorry…” Bernie looks up from her fringe and finally meets with Serena’s eyes. This time none of them look away. 

For a brief moment Serena thinks about her make-up free face, swollen from all the crying, and the fact that she must look awful. But Bernie’s eyes tell her otherwise.

“Serena…” Bernie walks towards her and touches her arm. It feels electric. The entire room feels electric. Serena melts into the touch, moves closer until their bodies are only inches apart.

“Serena, I’ve been wanting to be close to you for so long.” Bernie whispers hoarsely. 

Serena takes the last step and closes the gap between them, their bodies finally pressed together. Their lips meet and they both moan loudly. Bernie’s hands on Serena’s back have somehow found their way under her cardigan and burn on her skin through the thin fabric of the nightgown. The first touch of tongues makes Serena’s brain short-circuit. Wave after wave of warmth start pulsing through her entire body and hot throbs of want shoot directly to her clit. She has imagined a thousand times being close to Bernie like this. Fantasised at night, twisted and turned in bed worked up with want, but this, this is beyond imagination. Her fingers slide through Bernie’s hair and she is amazed by how soft it is. And how amazingly soft her body is when she unbuttons Bernie’s shirt with trembling hands, slips it of her, running her hands down Bernie’s naked skin; on the back, her arms, on her abdomen. She senses Bernie stiffens as her fingers softly touch the edges of the scar on her sternum.

“You’re so beautiful Bernie!” She breathes, her eyes wide. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” 

She feels Bernie’s body relax, melting against hers and their kisses deepen. Serena’s nightgown is being pulled over her head along with the cardigan and their bare skin touch for the first time. An almost frantic desire takes over and Serena starts to pull on Bernie’s trousers.

“S-Serena, are you sure? Bernie stills her hands for a moment. Because if… we go further now I might not be able to stop…” The overwhelming desire is reflected in Bernie’s eyes and her ragged breathing indicates she is using strong willpower to act noble in this moment. 

“Bernie! If you don’t take me to bed very soon I’ll combust!” 

The rest of the clothes are hastily removed and tightly pressed together they gravitate towards the bed without breaking contact. The sensation as their naked bodies slide against each other makes them both groan loudly and Serena feels like she is going to come any second. She cannot remember ever having been aroused like this in her entire life and is torn between the wish to make it last and the urge to let go at the same time. Bernie decides for her and stills on top of her for a moment. She strokes Serena’s hair tenderly, kisses her softly on the lips, her neck, along the jawline. Moves further down her body, kisses in circles around the breasts before she starts sucking on one of the nipples, making Serena cry out, her back arching in search of contact where she needs it the most. The sight of Bernie making her journey down Serena’s body is almost as overwhelmingly delicious as the sensation itself and Serena knows she is very close to tip over the edge. 

“Oh God, Bernie!” she moans. “Please!”

Bernie looks up at her, eyes almost black, as she settles between Serena’s legs. She kisses her inner thighs softly before she moves to the centre. The sensation as her tongue touches Serena’s opening is so overwhelming Serena cannot hold back anymore. Her hips start to buck uncontrollably, her whole body is shaking and she looses herself completely in the exquisite pleasure as Bernie licks and sucks on her clit. She comes with a shout, her fingers digging deep into Bernie’s shoulders. 

When she comes to she is gathered in Bernie’s arms, still shaking a little and her eyes wet with tears. 

“I hope those are happy tears?” Bernie whispers softly in her hair. 

“Oh Bernie yes, of course!” Serena turns her head to look into Bernie’s eyes. The love and care reflected in those hazel brown eyes warms her heart impossibly more than it already is.  
She cannot remember the last time she has felt so connected to another human being. Probably never. Not like this. 

Her hands trail down Bernie’s body making the blonde shiver under her touch and a soft moan escapes from Bernie’s lips. Serena is marvelled by what touching this delicate woman does to her own senses. She moves to be on top of Bernie, kisses her deeply, fiercely. As if wanting to express all the emotions she does not have the words for. It makes Bernie writhing underneath her, groaning deeply. Serena’s hand continues down her body, feeling the soft skin and the tainted muscles of her abdomen. Further down, knows that Bernie is more than ready, seeing her chest rising and falling erratically.

“Ahhhh Serena” Bernie whispers hoarsely as Serena’s hand enters the wet heat between her legs. Bernie’s back arches to meet her touch and, as if instinctively knowing what she needs, Serena slips two fingers inside her starting a rhythm that makes Bernie roll her eyes into the back of her head. It feels so natural touching Bernie like this and yet it is like she has been given insight to a glorious secret. 

“Bernie, you feel so amazing.” Serena whispers with wonder in her voice.

Bernie starts to clench around Serena’s fingers, her eyes widening, her breath ragged. She comes with a strangled cry, her body shaking and she grabs Serena around the waist to press their bodies together. 

They lie in silence for a while, holding each other tight. Feeling the warmth and contentment of being close, finally, before they both fall asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update. Work and real life have a tendency to get in the way of writing..  
> A big thank you to all who have left kudos and comments, they are much appreciated.

Serena wakes up in the dim light of the early morning sun barely streaming through the thick hotel curtains. It takes a second for her brain to recognise where she is before every nerve endings of her skin signalise that a warm, soft body is cuddled up behind her. Bernie’s arms around her waist feel so safe, so right, so… home. She turns her head to look at Bernie. Her eyes are closed, her mouth slightly open as she breaths steadily in and out. She looks so beautiful and at peace. Serena’s heart flutters and she leans back, melting into the soft embrace, savouring this moment of bliss. Bernie moves a little, murmurs something barely audible and pulls Serena impossibly closer. 

Serena dozes off again, exhausted, happy and satisfied. She wakes up by a sharp noise of something being dropped to the floor. She lifts her head and sees Bernie freeze in the middle of the room, half dressed in her panties and shirt. 

“S-sorry I woke you, I was… searching for the rest of my clothes…” Bernie’s flickering eyes tell something is not right. 

Serena sits up in the bed, suddenly wide awake, and wraps the duvet around her body as to protect herself for what is about to come. 

“What are you doing? Were you going to just leave? Without saying goodbye?” Serena feels her throat tightening. Does Bernie have regrets?

“No… yes, well we would see each other a little later I suppose, before checking out…” Bernie smiles insecurely. 

Serena’s expression probably leads to a need for Bernie to explain further. 

“Sorry… I thought perhaps… I mean… what happened last night… I should have taken you out on a proper date, had a proper dinner. You know… first…” 

Serena is not sure whether she should feel relieved or not if this really is the reason for Bernie’s need of an exit this morning. The ever-noble major and all that. She senses there is more. That there is something else bothering Bernie. 

“Well, I think that ship has sailed. What happened last night is something I have wanted for a very long time, even if I didn’t fully admit it to myself before later. I have no regrets, quite the contrary. It was… amazing.” She meets with Bernie’s gaze for a brief moment before Bernie breaks the contact. 

“Tell me Bernie, what’s really going on?” 

Bernie looks down at the floor, a tear falling down her cheek. 

“Oh Bernie, what’s wrong? Come and sit down please, let’s talk about this.” Serena pats the side of the bed where Bernie had lied, warm and content, just minutes ago. 

Bernie walks slowly towards the bed and sits down by Serena’s side, wrapping the unbuttoned shirt tighter around herself. She seems tense. And fragile and insecure. The ex army medic capable of handling any severe and difficult situation out on the battlefields looks helplessly around the room as to find something to help her express what is obviously hard to say.

“I… I’m not…” she starts.  
Serena holds her breath.

“I don’t think I’m the right person for you, Serena.” 

“Shouldn’t it be up to me to decide what I think about that?” Serena hears the sound of her voice has a sharper tone than she intended but this makes her feeling stressed and worried. She has walked on the thin line between happiness and distress many times lately.  
Her sharp tone is not exactly helping Bernie in her attempt to explain. 

“Sorry” Serena says more softly. “Please go on.” 

“Well… As I’ve said before, I seem to hurt people I care about and I’ll probably end up hurting you and I don’t want that to happen Serena. I’m… damaged… in so many ways. You don’t deserve that.” Bernie’s voice is weak. The message of her words is clear but her eyes reveal a glimpse of something else. Hope?

Serena shifts her weight and leans a little towards Bernie. She takes her hand, holds it tight with both her hands and looks at her intently.

“Bernie, when I met you I was depressed. Had been for years. After losing Elinor I shut down emotionally for a very long time. Then, little by little, I started to function again. Managing work as I used to, I started socialising again, took up old hobbies. But I never really felt much about anything. Not until I met you…” 

Bernie listens with big, tearful eyes. 

“You heal me Bernie. Make me become whole again. You make me feel… everything. Whatever has happened to you, whoever hurt you so badly and led you to believe you are no good being close to people, please let me try to show you otherwise.” 

Serena notices Bernie’s body starts to relax. Her shirt falls open in the front revealing more of her pale, beautiful skin. And her scars. It is like both her physical and emotional wounds are represented in this very image. Right in this moment Serena gets like a clear vision of a future together with this precious woman by her side. Sharing joy and happiness, supporting each other in difficult times. Growing old together. Her eyes well up with tears at the thought. How she wishes! 

“That is… if you want me in your life…” Serena’s voice is unsteady now, she cannot bare the thought of Bernie not wanting that. 

Bernie looks straight into her eyes, opens her mouth as to say something but instead she launches herself at Serena, kissing her fiercely, passionately. She flips Serena onto her back, climbs on top of her and presses hard against her. Her movements are hasty, her hands touching Serena’s body all over. Her breath is hot. The sounds she makes when she moans are like soft, strangled cries. She kisses Serena’s neck feverishly, continues down her neck, to her breasts. Bites and sucks on each nipple. The flame that ignites in both of them burns more and more, with a force none of them are able to stop. Do not want to stop. Serena pulls on Bernie’s shirt to get it off, same with her pants. She needs to feel all of her. She needs… 

Bernie trails a hand down Serena’s body and suddenly plunges two fingers inside her, no warning, just knows instinctively she is more than ready. An exquisite pleasure starts to build up. Serena moans loudly and her own hand searches for where Bernie needs it the most and copies her action. Bernie grinds down on her fingers as she lets out a deep groan. 

It is hurried, it is heated, it is absolute bliss. 

“Oh God oh God oh God” Serena cries out as she starts to clench around Bernie’s fingers. 

She comes with a scream, followed by Bernie seconds later who breathlessly shouts Serena’s name. They lie tangled up in each other for a while, their heart rate slowing down, their pulse back to normal. 

“I do.” Bernie whispers softly and strokes Serena’s hair. “I want you in my life. Very, very much.” 

 

\--------------- 

 

Back at work a few days later Serena greets her colleagues cheerfully, paying complements to each one of them. She notices the reaction most of them cannot fully contain by her seemingly sudden change of personality. She does not care, just laughs and struts down the corridor to her office. 

“Sooo, someone’s had an interesting conference it seems?” Donna stands by the door smiling from ear to ear. 

“I did.” Serena smiles back and winks.

“How exciting! Rumours tell you and Paul are a couple now! It’s wonderful!” 

“Really?” Serena cannot help but laugh even if she feels slightly annoyed they all just assume that is what has happened. 

“As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm you shouldn’t listen to rumours Donna. Paul has been an excellent companion and we’ve had a great time together, as colleagues. That’s it.” 

“Oh… I thought… You just seem so… like you’re in love. I mean you’re practically glowing like I’ve never seen you before so I guess everyone just assumed... I’m sorry, Serena.” 

“It’s okay. You’re not totally wrong though, I did meet someone at the conference. Someone I already knew and… cared about.”

“I knew it!” Donna clasps her hands together in her usual way when she gets excited. “Please tell me, who is he?” 

“It’s… not a man. Her name is Bernie. She’s a former trauma surgeon.” Serena feels a warmth spread in her chest when uttering these words. 

“Oh, that’s… that’s brilliant. Really!” Donna states the last word with genuine emphasis. 

“Yes.” Serena replies softly. “It is. She’s brilliant. Bernie is magnificent.”

Leaning back in the chair when alone in her office Serena reflects over the fact she has just come out as a lesbian to her colleague and, as Donna is not exactly known for keeping things to herself, probably the entire hospital. For a brief moment there is an unpleasant feeling of wanting to run and hide. She has always been accepting and supportive of others, has never minded what kind of sexual orientation people have. But for herself to identify as gay? It only takes seconds before the image of Bernie pops up in her mind. The amazing, brave, utterly beautiful, kind and warm-hearted Bernie. Her shoulders relax, a smile forms on her lips. Labels don’t matter. The only thing that matters is that she has Bernie in her life. That she is in love with Bernie. That she can express her feelings towards Bernie. Finally.


	10. Chapter 10

\-------------------- 

“Come on Happy!” Serena opens the backdoor of the car to let out the overly excited dog who knows exactly where they are heading and has not let that go unheeded on the journey out to the countryside. She laughs. The dog reflects her own happiness. The warm, excited sensation that starts in her chest and spreads throughout the entire body just thinking about this place and everything connected to it. The air is crisp and clean, late autumn has coloured the trees like brilliant, magical paintings and the ground is covered in leaves. Serena fastens her grip around the key she has in her pocket. The key to the cabin Bernie gave her a few weeks ago when she said: “It’s yours too now. The cabin is ours.” 

Bernie will not come before later this evening. She is giving a lecture at the university. “I’m actually starting to like it!” She said enthusiastically the other day. Serena smiles to herself. The way Bernie has blossomed these past months has been such a joy to watch. Her confidence being raised in areas she previously did not believe in much about herself. And the fact that her children have not only accepted their mother’s new relationship but also forgiven her for what they previously believed her to be the reason of their parents’ divorce has put a huge weight off Bernie’s shoulders. On one of the occasions when the children visited them at the countryside Bernie’s daughter Charlotte and Serena went for a walk with the dogs and Charlotte said: “I’ve never seen my Mum so happy before. So content and relaxed. I know she must have struggled a lot. For years… And it makes me sad my brother and I contributed to it… I’m so glad she found you. She deserves so much to be happy.” Charlotte had put her hand on Serena’s arm. “You both do.”   
Serena knows some wounds will never heal. The hole in her heart after losing Elinor will never be diminished. But the way she has been accepted into Bernie’s small family has warmed parts of her that had been permanently frozen ever since that devastating day. She had stopped and pulled Charlotte in for a hug, whispered with tears in her eyes: “Thank you!”

Serena prepares dinner. She lights the fireplace to make the cabin warm and cosy. Her pulse quickens at the memories of past evenings by this fireplace. Drunk on wine, happiness and each other. They have spent most of their spare time out here after becoming a couple which sometimes means getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning for travelling to work in the city, but it has definitely been worth it. 

Happy announces with a short, sharp bark that they are not alone anymore and runs to greet his best friend Dusty by the door. The two dogs run outside, overly excited to see each other. Bernie walks in with a big, happy smile on her face. Serena feels overly excited to see her. Bernie is so stunning Serena’s heart flutters and she thinks she will never get used to this. Cannot imagine not being affected by this amazing woman. All that she is. Her beauty, inside and out. 

“Hello darling” Bernie’s voice is low and husky and never fails to make Serena shiver a little with delight. And lust. 

“Hi you, come here!” Serena holds out her arms for a welcoming embrace.

It feels so good to hold each other like this. On particularly hard days at work all Serena longs for is to feel Bernie’s arms around her, to feel her presence, both physically and mentally, when she is finished for the day.   
Bernie kisses her. A quick kiss at first, stroking one hand down her back. Then another, deepens the kiss in a way that makes Serena moan into her mouth. And one more…

“Okay, okay, we have to stop or I suspect the food will get very cold before it’s eaten…” Serena breaks contact rather reluctantly and points towards the table. 

“Yes, agreed.” Bernie replies laughing. “Oh it smells delicious, I’m starving!” 

“I’ll make sure you’re not starving in any areas at the end of the evening…” Serena teases and winks at her. 

“Mmm-hmm”. Bernie hums approvingly and steals one last kiss before they sit down at the table. Serena pour them wine. None of them will be at work before later the next day. 

After dinner they cuddle up on the couch by the fireplace. Bernie talks about a funny incident from her day at the university and half way through she laughs so much Serena has trouble hearing the rest of the words, never mind catching the point of it all. But she laughs too because Bernie’s honks are so infectious it is impossible not to. And seeing Bernie’s eyes sparkle with such joy makes her heart warm in a way she had never thought was possible to experience again. She swallows. Suddenly feeling the deep sorrow amongst the joy. It is like life’s extremes are hitting her at the same time. Bernie must have sensed her shift because she leans in a little and looks at her seriously. 

“S’rena I want to tell you something” she says softly.

“Yes darling?” Serena replies, stroking her golden locks. 

“You know when you said that I made you feel whole again? I… never thought that was possible. I mean that I could make someone feel that way. And that it was someone like you…” Bernie looks up at the ceiling, seems to disappear into her own thoughts for a moment before she looks at Serena again, those big brown eyes filled with emotion. 

“When I laid on the operating table after the accident I knew there was a rather big chance I wouldn’t survive… Before they put me under I remember questioning if it would matter much if I lived or died… My life felt like it had been shattered to pieces just like I had. I knew I couldn’t work in the army anymore, most probably not as a surgeon at all. My children and my husband resented me after the… affair and said affair had ended with anger and bitterness. I was pretty much alone. I was very happy to survive of course and found great pleasures in life after, but it never felt like those broken pieces ever came together as a whole. Some things got mended over time, some not. And then… some things that I believed would never be able to fall into place did… eventually… when I met you Serena…” 

Serena knows it takes a lot for Bernie to talk about this. To put years of pain, grief and loneliness into words. And she knows meeting each other has made all the difference, for them both. 

“I love you Bernie. So, so much.” 

She stands up and takes Bernie’s hand, leading her to the bedroom. She has a sudden need to show Bernie that she will never have to feel lonely, unwanted or unloved again. They make love slowly, passionately, unhurried. Looking into each other’s eyes knowing they are exactly where they belong. Together. Their bodies floating perfectly in sync like they were always meant to find each other, it was just a matter of time. Serena cannot help but think what if she had not been brave enough to pursuit her dreams about being with Bernie? What if Bernie had not been brave enough to take a chance with her? Tears well up in her eyes. She kisses down the scar on Bernie’s chest and Bernie knows. 

“Thank you.” Serena whispers. 

“I love you.” Bernie whispers back. 

 

Next morning the sun greets them from a blue sky. After a long, lazy breakfast they decide to have the morning coffee out on the porch although it is a bit cold. Bernie brings two blankets and wraps one tightly around Serena. They sit in silence for a while, sipping coffee, listening to the sounds from the sea.

“Do you remember the first time we sat like this?” Serena asks.

“As if I would ever forget.” Bernie smiles. 

“I remember thinking I wished I could stay out here forever with you. Essentially I guess I just wished I could be with you. Wherever.” Serena says softly, reaching out to take Bernie’s hand in her own. 

Bernie’s eyes shine brighter than the sun and her smile widens. 

“You can. For eternity.”


End file.
